Notice Me. What are Bids for Connection and how to respond to them?

We don’t always realize it, but in our relationships we are constantly making bids for connection. A bid happens every time we reach out to connect with someone. It can be as simple as asking your loved one to pass the salt, asking about their day, or pointing out something you noticed on the road.

In Gottman therapy, bids are called “the fundamental unit of emotional communication.” And they truly are. Through bids, we affirm our bond with our partner. We invite them into our world, share our experiences, or show interest in theirs. Bids are not always verbal; they can be as subtle as an affectionate touch on the arm or a warm smile.

How Bids Work

Couples exchange countless bids throughout the day, and interestingly, how people respond to them is a strong marker of relationship health. There are three main ways we can respond to a bid:

Turning Towards the Bid

This response acknowledges the other person. It can be as simple as answering the question, nodding, or making eye contact.

Turning Away from the Bid

Here, the bid is ignored—either intentionally or unintentionally.

Turning Against the Bid

This involves responding with irritation or hostility. An example might be saying, “Leave me alone. I have more important things on my mind than this.”

Challenges with Bids

It’s not possible to turn towards a bid 100% of the time. However, the more often we do, the healthier our relationships will be. It really is that simple. We all want to feel seen and heard, and the more our partner acknowledges us, the happier and more fulfilled we feel.

That said, it is important that both partners’ efforts are relatively balanced. If one person consistently acknowledges the other’s bids while their own bids are ignored, resentment will build over time.

Eventually, that person may grow tired and stop bidding altogether. This is often when relationships begin to deteriorate. We stop making the effort, thinking: “If you don’t see me, why should I even bother?”

Attachment Styles and Bidding

When discussing bids, it’s important to remember that past trauma and relationship experiences influence how often we bid and how we respond to bids.

People with an anxious attachment style tend to bid more frequently because they need reassurance that their partner is present and engaged. This can feel overwhelming for someone with an avoidant attachment style, who may not be accustomed to bidding themselves or responding as often.

When simple interactions become triggering, it may be helpful to talk to a professional. If communication feels consistently difficult, there may be an underlying dynamic you’re not fully aware of. Seeking support can be the first step toward understanding your patterns, creating healthier interactions, and feeling more satisfied in your relationship.

Afterthoughts on Bids

I like to think of bidding — and responding to bids — as a way of strengthening all of my relationships, not just romantic ones. To me, it’s closely tied to empathy and showing someone that you care. And yes, it isn’t always easy; it requires ongoing effort. But the reward is feeling genuinely loved, seen, and appreciated in your relationships.